real purpose

I have so many things going on in my life that I find it extremely challenging to justify having a blog, especially one that no one follows. Instead, I have decided that it will simply serve as an online diary for me. Perhaps one day it will be uncovered by a future descendant of mine.

This past weekend was the Relay for Life for the middle school students in the Central Bucks School District. A lot of money was raised and in the 5 or 6 years of its existence it has now surpassed over a million dollars in funds raised; I am really impressed by this number and the group that has motivated the kids to get behind this.

Each year for the past 4 years my wife Chris; a cancer survivor for the past 5 years has been active in this event starting with our daughter Amanda in 7th grade. Normally, Chris is not terribly emotional (I always jokingly refer to her extreme German genetics as the cause of this) but she has become emotional about this event. Now I know that whoever is reading this could very easily say "DUH, of course she's emotional" and I understand and acknowledge this point BUT, she is someone who was embarrassed at being called a "Survivor" she would tell me that she only did what anyone would do, she had the cancer removed...end of story. No matter how many times I would tell her that she made the hard choice, she did what so many other women would not. She opted for a mastectomy with re constructive surgery when all of the doctors (including docs from Penn and Hopkins) told us that a mastectomy was probably more than was called for in her situation.

A little history here: she discovered a lump, she had the requisite scans and then a biopsy and then began the march to see doctors, quite a few of them and to gather opinions. Chris' matter of fact outlook on all this was "take them off (her breasts ) and give me new ones!" I can remember seeing the look on the face of each of the doctors we met with who all thought her statement was over the top. What woman would willingly sacrifice her breasts? None of them had ever met a woman like Chris and she is one in a billion...following this statement while the docs would angle their heads as if they had heard something incorrectly Chris would follow up the last statement with "I am done having kids, I breastfed them both. I don't need them anymore." and then "I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder wondering if the cancer is going to come back. Take them." Her argument was a compelling one, no question. She didn't understand at the time; and I'm not sure she understands to this day how courageous a decision it was that she made. Give me my life on my terms and in exchange you can take my breasts...I marveled at how; to her, this was a simple decision. I still do. She had places to go, people to see, things to experience and a life to live and cancer to her was just another bothersome impediment to her being able to do so. It is important that I also mention that the cancer that was spotted in the scans was only seen in one breast and that it was very early on. Most, if not all the docs suggested that Chris undergo some radiation, take some Tomoxiphin and that her chances of recurrence were low (I don't remember the actual number but I think it was about 20% chance of recurrence and about 1/3 of the recurrences were fatal). Chris would look at them and respond; "I have a one in 5 chance of recurrence and 1/3 of them are fatal? I don't like those odds. Take them off and give me new ones."

After the surgery and the reconstruction we met with the Oncologist at Penn for a follow up a month post surgery. I still remember when he walked in, sat down and
looked at us for a moment without saying a word. He then looked at Chris and said "you were right to do what you did." These may not have been the exact words but this is what I heard and we both looked at him now with greater interest as he then proceeded to tell us "your breast material was dense, it is hard to photograph and scan and be 100% sure that we are seeing everything. There was more cancer than we suspected and the other breast {which showed no signs of any cancer} actually had quite a bit hiding behind the dense material." He could have knocked both of us over with a feather at this point.

I don't remember Chris' exact reaction, but in my imagination I remember her crying. Not out of a sense of joy, or remorse or fear but out of redemption. She had been told by everyone; friends, family, doctors, everyone....that she should do what the docs told her (radiation and drugs) and call it a day. After all THEY were the experts! She was redeemed now, she trusted her gut and made the hard choice and she now had confirmation that she was right.

She now has her life, she does not have to look over her shoulder because cancer doesn't linger there anymore. Her chance of recurrence is ZERO, it can't scare her, hide on her, or surprise her again. She has won this war and each May she commemorates her victory with helping our kids fund raise and participate in the Relay for Life. Each May she wears her purple shirt, as a survivor. She gets her picture taken with the other survivors, she walks the opening lap and she smiles and is at times she's emotional as little by little the realization of the fact that she made the hard decision, the tough choice, the informed choice creeps into her thoughts, just a little and just for that moment...she denies herself the self-indulgence of such thoughts the rest of the year. Because; she has things to do, places to go and people to see.

Each year the Relay reminds me that my wife is my hero. Although I sat with her and supported all of her decisions I didn't have to make them, she did, and for making the ones she did, with the courage she showed; she is my hero. I don't know if she'll ever see this or read it and I am sure that if she does she will correct lots of what I write here :) but these are my recollections and what I write I do with love, respect and admiration.